You Claim To Be A Player But I Your Wife

Okay, here we go. Buckle up buttercups. I have something to say.

The "Player" Paradox

You call yourself a player? Really? Seriously?

I'm looking at you, husband. The one currently doing dishes. The one who forgets to take the trash out every Tuesday.

A player, huh? Is that what we're going with?

This isn't going to end well for you.

Remember last week at the grocery store? You were terrified of running into Mrs. Higgins. Apparently, she saw you buy discount hot dogs once.

A player doesn’t fear Mrs. Higgins. A player charms Mrs. Higgins. They probably get a discount for being so charming.

You hid behind the cereal boxes. Classic player move.

Your Netflix queue is filled with documentaries about woodworking. Woodworking! Not exactly the playboy lifestyle, is it?

My documentaries keep disappearing. You know you are watching them.

A true player only watches action movies. Maybe the occasional rom-com to understand the enemy. But woodworking? Come on, honey.

Our date night consists of ordering pizza and falling asleep on the couch. By 8:30 PM. Every. Single. Time.

Players don't do pizza. They do candlelit dinners. They do exotic cocktails. They don't drool on the remote control during reruns of "The Office."

Not judging, but the drool is a bit much.

Pizza is great though.

Maybe… just maybe… being married cancels out the whole player thing. It's a bold statement, I know.

But I’m willing to stand by it. I'm willing to fight for this unpopular opinion.

Because, let's be honest, who are you playing? Me? I already said "I do." I’m the ultimate checkmate.

Seriously, who?

The dog? She only cares about treats.

The mailman? I think he is avoiding you.

So, you’re a player who’s been permanently benched. Congratulations.

Look, I love you. I really do. And I love that you try to be cool.

But maybe we should retire the "player" label. It's a bit… inaccurate.

How about "Professional Dishwasher"? Or "Certified Couch Potato"? Those are much more fitting titles.

Those titles are really catching!

You are my player though. My teammate. My co-op partner in this crazy game called life.

And honestly? I wouldn't trade you for a million actual players.

Especially not one who doesn't do dishes.

Now, about that trash… I'm kidding. Sort of.

Love you babe!