My Fake Girlfriend Are Using Me As A Shield

Okay, so maybe "using" is a strong word. But seriously, these wonderful, hilarious, and ridiculously supportive women in my life? They've turned my dating life into a strategic masterpiece. A hilarious, slightly embarrassing, but ultimately awesome masterpiece.

It all started innocently enough. A casual "Hey, do you mind if I tell my aunt Mildred you're my boyfriend at Thanksgiving? She's been trying to set me up with her dentist's nephew, and he keeps talking about root canals."

Of course, I said yes! Who can resist the allure of saving someone from a root canal discussion? Little did I know, this was just the beginning.

The Great Escape

Suddenly, I was the go-to guy for evading awkward social situations. It was like I'd been promoted to "Professional Plus One (With Benefits… for them)."

Benefits included, witnessing my acting skills tested. "Oh, darling, remember that romantic getaway to Sheboygan?" I do now, Brenda! I SO do.

It’s like being in a buddy cop movie, but instead of solving crimes, we are dodging unwanted suitors. I’m her trusty sidekick, the wingman who doesn't require copious amounts of beer and bad advice.

The Art of the Fake-Out

Then came the birthday party. My "girlfriend," let's call her Sarah, needed a shield against a particularly persistent admirer. A guy who apparently collected taxidermied squirrels.

My mission? To look devastatingly in love with her, while simultaneously appearing completely approachable. I was to be the "friendly boyfriend," the kind of guy who wouldn't intimidate anyone, but would absolutely not let anyone near his girl.

I even practiced my "loving gaze" in the mirror. It probably looked more like I was staring into the abyss, but Sarah assured me it was "endearing."

The Perks of the Position

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Poor guy, he's being taken advantage of!" But hold on. There's a silver lining, a pot of comedic gold at the end of this rainbow of fake romance.

First, the stories are incredible. I get firsthand accounts of the dating trenches. The horrors, the triumphs, the truly bizarre moments that make me grateful for my single status (or, at least, my fake-relationship status).

Second, I’ve become an expert in reading body language. I can spot a potential romantic threat from across the room. My skills are now top-notch.

The Ultimate Wingman

And finally, and most importantly, it’s fun! These women are my friends. We laugh until our sides ache, and we genuinely enjoy each other's company.

Besides, who needs a real relationship when you can have a whole team of fake ones? Carol says I am her guardian angel, I tend to agree.

So, am I being used as a shield? Maybe. But it's a very comfortable, laughter-filled, and mutually beneficial shield. And honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like having a whole arsenal of romance superheroes, and I get to be their slightly awkward, but undeniably charming, sidekick.